she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
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