i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
