It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
either way he was missing a nipple.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
