So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
