dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
