i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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