please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
