Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize