Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
