the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
