before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
