My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
