So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
