I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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