I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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