dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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