dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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