I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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