She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
