OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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