Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
