I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
