just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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