Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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