Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize