made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
