Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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