just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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