Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
