hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
