i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize