we have pet lesbian snakes
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
