This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
