just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
