Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
