i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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