He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
