It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
