dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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