Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
