he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
