i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
