Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
