Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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