My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
