Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He did a backflip because drugs
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
