oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
