i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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