The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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