man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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