I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
high people should be assigned attendants
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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