My hand turned me down
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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