She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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