what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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