Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
