Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
