So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
