Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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