Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
