This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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