I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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